Christmas is meant to be the most wonderful time of the year. And sometimes, it is. I love the bright lights, the festive feels, the sense that magic is around the corner – and obviously, the food. But I can also find myself feeling lonely.
I’ve celebrated Christmas in many different ways over the years – I’ve twice joined my friend’s family in Italy for a traditional (and vegetarian) Christmas, I’ve eaten Subway sandwiches in a motel by the Grand Canyon on spontaneous hiking trip with American friends, and I’ve spent many Christmases at home with my family.
Some of those Christmases have been more fun than others – even Subway for Christmas lunch couldn’t ruin the Grand Canyon – but during almost all of them, I’ve had moments of feeling lonely.
This loneliness isn’t always linked to anything tangible. I’ve rarely been alone in any of those celebrations. But feeling lonely isn’t the same as being alone – they’re two very different things – and the older I get, the more I realise that being alone can actually feel really good, while being surrounded by people can leave me feeling lonely, especially if I don’t feel connected to them.
It doesn’t mean you can’t feel lonely while you’re alone – of course you can, and it’s why there are so many amazing charities out there to help isolated people who inevitably struggle with loneliness. But for me, loneliness is all about feeling disconnected, whether it’s from the people I’m around, or even from myself. I feel it most at Christmas precisely because it’s Christmas – there’s an expectation to be having an amazing time, to be posting all about it on social media, and to enjoy the few compulsory holiday days we get off from work.
I used to feel it most when I was single and didn’t want to be. I’d scroll through my socials and see coupled-up friends post cute photos of impossibly thoughtful gifts and festive ‘we’re engaged!’ selfies. I’d feel a not-so-festive pang of loneliness, made worse by the guilt that I was being a Grinch instead of sending them loving Christmas energy.
But as the years have gone by, I’ve learnt that this loneliness is normal. The more I try to fight it, the worse it gets. Distracting myself from it doesn’t fully work either – especially if I’m trying to numb the feelings with food and TV. Sometimes, it helps to reach out to someone – but it depends on how they’re going to react. If they get it, then the sense of connection instantly counteracts the loneliness. But if they respond with a blank look, or a jovial ‘but it’s Christmas!’ then I feel lonelier than ever.
The best thing I can do when I feel lonely – whether it’s at Christmas or just in my everyday life – is to embrace it. Instead of running away from it, I sit in it. If I’m surrounded by people, I’ll find a quiet place (even if it’s the loo) and just take a moment to connect with myself. I’m compassionate to myself, and I tell myself it’s a normal feeling; it’s part of being human. One in four people are currently lonely. I am not alone in my loneliness. Sometimes, I try and connect to all the other people sitting in bathrooms trying not to cry.
